Alzheimer’s…In the Back of My Mind
By Steve Hunt
For more than a decade now, I have been essentially living in community with people with a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s.
I am an Administrator at a 34 bed assisted living community. You may already be aware of the technicalities of Alzheimer’s, it being a disease with dementia as the overriding symptom. And at a certain point in each of these people’s lives, according to their particular progression in the disease, we must begin living in their world. In other words, if a 98-year-old woman comes to my office and asks me to call her husband because she is ready to go home, even though her husband has been deceased for 20 years, I say to her, “I sure will and I’ll let you know when he will be here”.
Why don’t I tell her the truth? Because it will hurt her, likely make her cry and she probably won’t remember in 10 minutes anyway; and responding in accordance with the world she lives in keeps her as happy and cheerful as possible. At some point, it becomes more about simple human kindness than any sort of endeavor towards realism. Sadly – very sadly, as the disease progresses, this person eventually may not even know who their family members are when they come to visit. It is obviously not possible to know exactly what a person with Alzheimer’s dementia thinks during times of seeming unrecognition, but it certainly appears the connection is speculative. When this begins to take place, it often seems emotionally “impossible” for some family members. We see this often and though we do our best to empathize, we don’t know how difficult it is for this particular person and how much it hurts. At certain stages, for their own reasons, some never come to visit again.
Why did I preface this article with the above narrative? Because as a man who loves his wife, family and friends, I sometimes need increased motivation to endeavor to love my wife as described in Ephesians 5:25 (MSG)
“Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church – a love marked by giving, not getting.”
And to keep in mind Jesus’ command in John 13:35 (MSG),
“Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples – when they see the love you have for each other.”
If I am left to my own fallibilities, I will live today with very little thought for tomorrow; selfishly, with an ephemeral approach of “I want mine today”, or “what will make me happy today”; with comparatively little consideration of those I claim to care so much about. Now, yes there is precedence and wisdom as described in Matthew 6:34 (MSG)
“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes”.
But as life plays itself out, Alzheimer’s is an inevitability for way too many of us. And I have had people in my community as young as 67 years of age with this diagnosis. Though some of you are possibly thinking, “67 is ancient”, for so many of us it is right around the corner and relatively very young; way too young to begin needing varied assistance.
So to begin thinking appropriately more often and living with an increased Christian perspective regarding those I care about, I have at times mentally ventured into a frame of mind of having the possibility of Alzheimer’s for those I love, being a motivation in how I care about and for them, right now.
I want to love and treat my wife the way she deserves and wants to be treated and loved, because someday… Morbid? Genius? The thing is, I see too many husbands and wives, who have regrets; regrets that the time they had with their spouse was not all that it could have been; life, kids, work, activities, etc. got in the way of fostering a love that would last a lifetime and stand against any difficult adjustments that may come. After dementia sets in, there is often a sadness that “this is not the person I married and I don’t know what to do at this point”; or even more distressing, we’ve witnessed situations where the cognitively aware spouse experientially conveys “I don’t know this person any longer and I’m going to find someone who can appropriately love me back” – even if their spouse is still alive.
Then there is “Elmo”. Elmo is 93 years of age and still drives. Should he be driving… that’s for another discussion! Elmo’s wife “Martha” is 92 and has had Alzheimer’s for several years. She can no longer legibly communicate. Sometimes she seems to some degree to know Elmo when he comes in and sometimes it’s a blank stare. Regardless, Elmo is here every single evening for dinner. He feeds her every bite of her meal, kindly speaking to her throughout. Elmo is probably around 5’3”tall and 120 lbs, but he is a man among men. He has somewhat of an impressive military history but an even more impressive love for his wife. Elmo is legendary among my all female staff. He is what all wives hope their husbands will be for the entirety of their lives. He loves Martha well and it is my understanding, he always has.
I want to be like Elmo. I want to love my wife in such a way that if she should ever be “struck” with any sort of like malady, I will simply continue loving her with mercy, grace, and a Christ-likeness that is uncommon. The type of love that is motivated by biblical mandates, integrity, commitment, exclusivity, and an honoring of my wife as my much-valued life’s “help meet” (Genesis 2:18)
Will my wife or family members ever contract Alzheimer’s? I don’t know and I sincerely hope not. But moving towards their heart right now will provide me the best opportunity to lay a foundation of tenderness, devotion, and tribute which will sustain me regardless of what may come. My commitment at the present time is to love with appropriate intensity and compassion; understanding the possibility that this person may someday be involuntarily dispassionate to my love efforts…in the back of my mind.
Steve Hunt lives in Clovis, California, and is involved in a number of ministries that deal with marriage, relationship and sexual issues. He can be contacted atstevehunt@nationwide.net
